My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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