it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
