This is not my ceiling
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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