Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
