so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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