Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
