I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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