Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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