My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Send help, water and tortillas.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
