I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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