i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
