I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
