I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize