I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
