Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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