All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
