if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
