We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm both gender and math confused
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
