Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
