let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
