Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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