Well douche your snatch and let's go!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
