oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
