God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize