i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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