I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
