sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize