My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
