the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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