Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
