I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
