she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
