Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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