Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
