somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
