When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
