I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
