She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
