God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
