Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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