Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
