I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tell her she can't have a vagina
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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