it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
