I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
