i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
