there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you had me at cake vodka
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
