I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
