Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
