I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
