I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
