I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
