The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
