I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
