So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
