So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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