You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
