you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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