My hand turned me down
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
