Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
where am i from again
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
