My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish I only lived at night.
i just had sex bonerless
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
